"you[r imperfection] gives me hope for the future"

I started this blog with a purpose. Actually more than one purpose but mainly because I wanted to make myself have adventures so that I actually had something to write about that was worth reading.

Worth is a word that I struggle with on a daily basis. Google "worth" and oxford dictionary because Oxford sounds fancy and it brings you to Value.

1 [mass noun] the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something: your support is of great value
Its the end of the spring semester and recently I made an appointment with my advisor to plan my next semester out. I hate doing it because they always ask you all these questions that you are supposed to know the answers to. As we we're walking to her office she asked me the one question I get the most, and the one get that I hate the most.

"What do you plan on doing after you graduate? What kind of job do you see yourself doing?"

If you had asked me that question 6 years ago I would've rattled on about being a famous movie director. Two years before that I was still delusional enough to think that I could be an actress, until a boy I barely knew made a cruel remark about my acting in front of a best friend and she laughed along with him. Before that, I was destined for photography.

I looked at my feet and the brick pathway suddenly panicked.
"Uhm...well..I kind of..." 

10 years ago, the 13 year old that was me could give you a written list of reasons why I would become the best adult you've ever known.

This almost 24 year old's list is flooded with eraser marks and doubt.

"you're a good writer you know"

I've heard this before. From friends and relatives and mom of course.
I believe it 55% of the time too. The other 45% of the time I'm lost in a deep ocean of uneasiness, of crushed dreams and reality. Of over dramatization.

"Yeah I dunno I guess so..."
"So what's the problem?"
"I lack the confidence?"

I role the phrase around in my mouth tasting its bitter truth. "Lack of Confidence" as if it were a diagnosis. How stupid. Whats more stupid is that I already know whats 'wrong' with me, and I hear the uplifting words of friends like a blaring loudspeaker.
But it's the quiet voice that resonates in the depths of my mind that seeds. Its the frustration that I'm stuck in a cyclical pattern of behavior and I know better than to succumb to it.

I saw a quote on the internet ( of course ) that comes to mind quite frequently.
Don't let comparison, rob you of joy.
There are many things in my life and this world that I feel have robbed me of joy, but have I forgotten that I am fully capable of robbing myself of joy? It's natural to compare yourself to something or another. Too often I forget that there is no standard really. There is no one perfect human being that defines exactly what we should be, do, or look like. There is one type of comparison that will benefit you however.

It is when you compare yourself to someone and they remind you not about everything that's wrong with you or what you don't have, or how much better you are than them but rather, how being yourself all right.  That you're gonna make it, no matter how far behind you are, no matter how many times you've completely messed it all up.

I'm privilged to have a friend like that. I see her atleast once a week, and while she never says it outright I hear "Melissa, you're gonna be alright"

In my world I hear a lot of questions:
"what are you gonna do now?"
"How can you live like that?"
"Where are you going to be?"
"Why haven't you done this?"
"When are you going to be finished?"

A constant reminder that I don't know whats going to happen to me, and I'm afraid to even think about it, I look at her face, the face of my dear friend and for a short moment:

"hey, you can do this."


They Make it Look A Lot Easier/ Am I Really That White?

While I was growing up I considered my parents to be mildy lenient when it came to rules compared to some of my friends. We were allowed to watch pretty much anything that didn't completely freak my mom out (save for The Simpsons, which my mother hated with a passion).

"haters." - Mel
A different rule in my house was that my sister and I weren't allowed to date or wear makeup until we were 13. Sometimes 13 felt forever away and other times I grinned as I found most of my friends were restricted till the age of 16.

"not that it mattered because the only time you had a boyfriend in your teens was at 14 for a week" - Mel

I'm gifted with a selective memory. I remember random events in my life, some important, some not at all. The only makeup I tried at 13, when I was finally allowed, was some kind of black eyeliner and gray sparkly shadow I had smudged across my eyes. Not only did I mildly terrify myself but stabbing my self in the eye with a pencil felt like a lot more work than it was worth. Needless to say the makeup thing didn't catch on with me. My sister wore makeup on and off in her teens and more frequently during her senior year and there after. I wore lip gloss occasionally for a few hours before licking it off, every once in a great while I tried the pencil in my eye thing again and lined my eyeballs. Mascara was out of the question unless I was going to a dance. "again not that it mattered because you never went with a date"- Mel A few times my sister attacked me with foundation and I learned what it must be like to be a painting, trapped under thick layers of whatever that junk is made out of. I didn't hate makeup, I felt pretty when I wore it and other people told me so too. Usually in strange ways that felt like only half a compliment.
"You look so much prettier with make up on!"
As of lately, and partially part of a super secret project I'm going to be doing very soon...
"adding 'super' to it doesn't make it cooler." - Mel
I've decided to give this whole make up thing another go. I've already started wearing makeup stuffs more than I ever did in high school but by a change-up I mean I'm experimenting with different styles, and also doing more than stealing my mom's bare minerals, guessing at how to apply it and calling it a day. I've always been somewhat inspired by the many video tutorials I've seen on YouTube about makeup application and such (and by inspired I mean I subscribe or watch them once and never revisit them again). Since I've cut out eating out completely from my diet I've had a little extra cash to spend so I decided to buy my own supplies. But where to begin? I didn't have a single clue until I caught this video by YouTuber/Makeup Extraordinaire Kandee Johnson:

clicking this picture should take you to the video 

And she used 'drugstore' brand products. So cheap shiz for the win! Also because I'm even cheaper, I found an awesome coupon for a buck off L'Oreal Paris products on their website and through Target.com, where I ended up buying mine. It took me a while to figure out what color was right for me because I'm still a makeup amateur and finding liquid skin to match your neck is hard. *insert sadface emoticon here*

Since I was there and already spending monies, I decided to look into getting some other stuff. Until I found out that most makeup will cost you your first born and a blood sample.
"ooh bloood"- Mel
Luckily, I found an entire section that had my name written all over it. E.l.f. makeup, one dollar stuff and some for only three bucks and I couldn't believe it. All of it looked really nice for being so cheap. Of course I was weary of it all because usually stuff that cheap is total crap, but thank god for cellphones and the internet. A quick search on my phone and apparently even Oprah likes this stuff. And who argues with Oprah? I mean really?

I got a bunch of stuff, and I could because everything is really cheap. My favorite are their studio brushes that run for about $3 each. They're black, look cool, and feel nice when I'm using them. Sure I don't have a whole lot to compare by, but from someone who is used to using those tiny little applicators and cotton swabs for makeup, this is a nice upgrade.
After forking over my hard earned monies to the lovely people at Target, I headed home and quickly looked up Kandee's video for eyebrow tweasing. That's the weirdest word ever isn't it? Twease...Tweasing...I'm spelling that wrong or something. Anyway, a great video on it is here.


Not too bad if I do say so myself. Specially for being the first time I've ever actually tweased my own eyebrows... In retrospect that could have gone horribly wrong. And yes that is Avril Lavigne on my wall, its been up there so long even I forget I have it.

So then I did this to my face after I tamed the mane that was on my forehead:

Either I need to go a shade darker or come to terms with just how white I really am.
"Accept it now." - Mel
I'm sure I've got plenty more practice before I get the hang of it, but I did enjoy it. Of course a lot of those videos look a lot easier than they are, in my opinion, but they were still very helpful. Soon I'll be ready to move on to my next look:


Apparently I Have Nice Things & Why I Shouldn't Have Days Off

Don't you hate it when you sit down to start something and then suddenly you have to-

"Oh god don't be one of those bloggers that get way too personal, okay no one wants to picture you in the bathroom" - Mel
Moving on, yesterday was a day off for me. The night before, I set my alarm to wake up early in order to do this thing called "productivity", which I guess is essential in adulthood...or something. After hitting the snooze button on my cellphone to the point where it flew off my desk and got lost on the floor somewhere I awoke sometime after noon wondering where my day had gone. On a side note: Really I have the best mattress in the world and anyone who would have the privilege of sleeping in my bed would never blame me for sleeping in or taking lots of naps.
"You should change your major to nap studies." - Mel

Since I love data entry, I stopped into work to take care of a few projects I had to get done. I knew that I was getting paid in a few days and I hadn't made a good trip to the thrift store lately. My foot tapped impatiently under my desk with every keystroke. Sheet after sheet, entering it into a Microsoft Excel spread sheet and I could smell the dusty book covers already. Musty blazers, stirrup pants, and broken jewelry calling my name. After putting in a good solid two hours I punched out and headed to Goodwill. Some people work 8 hours a day 7 days a week, and I wonder "when do they find the time to rifle through the $1.49 bins?"

Now that I've painted a lovely picture of what an unproductive lazy citizen I am, lets move straight to the goods. 

Browsing Pinterest one night (something I'm convinced was created by both God & the Devil...), I found a pin for an oh so [insert girly word for good looking] project using an old frame to hang necklaces. I'd done something similar with a frame for all the earrings I found hiding in my room, and since I probably had equal the amount of necklaces roaming around I decided, why not? 

the girl who did this one used drills and paint
a bunch of other stuff I skipped....
"I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say your obsession with thrift-craft had 
something to do with it too" - Mel

The frame I purchased was created to hold a calendar, because hanging it straight on the wall isn't fancy enough.  It was about $3.99 and I imagine once held a calendar with country apples or fuzzy faded cats and bible verses. After a quick trip to Menards to pick up some screw in hooks that were about $1.98 or something because keeping receipts is for losers.-"and people who wonder where all their money went.."- Mel - I headed home to pop out the back of the frame and put the hooks in.
I used two different sizes, large ones and some smaller ones
evenly spaced out on the frame.
Thankfully I already had the necessary hardware to add my own...thingys... on the back to hang it up on a wall. You know the things on the back of pictures? Fun Fact: that is the technical term. Then after putting some nails in the wall, my parents will thank me for that later, I was filled with glee at my creation.
pictured here with one necklace...I totally crooked
on my wall..
After fixing its blatant crookedness..-"I'm guessing levelers are for losers too?" - Mel -and adding more necklaces I found floating around in my room...

ohemgee so kahyutes!
Suddenly I became aware that I have nice stuff. Somehow, organizing and displaying my things in such a manner that appears neat and pretty proved that I DO have cool stuffs. Go. Figure.
thumbs up, you kind of sort of did something today
Just goes to show that you can thrift with a purpose! I made something useful AND I will probably start wearing necklaces because I can actually see them...

Oh and I also bought a pearl necklace, a new sweater, a dress, two tops and an anklet.
"I'm sure those were all tools needed to make the jewelry holder.." - Mel 
"You shut up!" - Mutzie

[Link] to blog where I found the project.


Mustache Wednesday

There are many names for today. Wednesday, Hump Day, Thank God Its Almost Friday, or Wed-Nes-day if you're like me and you have to pronounce it that way every time you spell it.

Confession: I cheated on a spelling test in second grade. Maybe that was the day I was supposed to learn how to spell Wednesday without sounding it out in my head like that... Don't cheat kids. You will become a dumb adult.
Today however I propose a new name. And that name is:

Mustache Wednesday

Okay so that's not so much a rename for today but more of a celebration of mustachios. And I totally stole it from one of my new favorite YouTube series SourceFed. If you haven't heard of it there's something wrong with you.
"there's already something wrong with them if they're reading this" - Mel

SourceFed is a new show developed by Phillip Defranco, another Youtuber I've followed for a few years. Basically they produce videos about news stories throughout the day in a segment called " 20 minutes or less", the stories are top stories from the day as they happen or as the staff likes them I guess. Three of them are commonly on there, Joe Bereta, Lee Newton (I play favorites and its her), and Elliot Morgan, but every now and again they have a guest or someone standing in. Needless to say, and I wouldn't expect any less from the Defranco company, its highly enjoyable and often hilarious but also informative. So today they've been wearing mustaches in their videos and commenters have dubbed it Mustache Wednesday. So all I'm saying is that, this is definitely something I could get behind.

this is an oldie but a goodie. I don't often remember to bring
My mustache to school with me...
"you stole my glasses" - Mel

I grew that myself.


Accidentally Cute and Thrift-a-licious Finds

If you've ever had the misfortune of losing something in my bedroom, you would find first a plethora of crafty odds and ends. While tiny, I've managed to make my space into a little den of creativity. That is, if creativity were vomited into a hurricane. Yeah so it's a giant mess. On nights before my days off I spend time laying in bed doing the exact same thing: going over in my mind all the awesome projects I'm going to do, start, or continue doing the next day. Then what follows is me sleeping in entirely too late and sitting on my bed talking myself out of every project I come up with. Don't really feel like knitting today, painting makes too much of a mess, I could draw but...

It's a disastrous circle and makes me wonder how I've actually come to create anything. Case in point, this blog has been sitting here for days. This account, even longer. I've just finished watching Paper Man, a story about an old writer who can't seem to figure out what to do with his hands, spends the majority of his time in solitude, and longs for just one friend. Depressingly, it reminded me of myself. But on the flip side I'm suddenly inspired to write my first post and here we go, BOOM:


Is the name of my hairstyle today. I have a love hate relationship with my hair. I recognize I have the hair millions of women would kill for. Full body, luscious curls and waves, and I some how manage to keep it that "why is my hair so shiny looking?" healthy. Go figure. Then again, I have to deal with humidity, the actual weight of my hair (yes hair this thick is really heavy), and trying to manage it period. Anyway, more often than not, instead of dealing with it I throw it up in a ponytail or some kind of half-assed messy bun. And so that's how I sleep. Often I wake up the next morning missing whatever hair tie was holding the beast that is my hair or with some kid of bulbous wad of hair atop my hair in a bizarre angle. Today it was at the side of my head. Almost perfectly. So I kept it that way.

I woke up with my face expressive on 
only one side too apparently.

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